Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
