i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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