Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
