i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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