I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
