i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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