Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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