so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
