Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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