i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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