if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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