my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
whose ass print is on the piano?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
