Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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