omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
