Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize