I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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