If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
