I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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