My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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