I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
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Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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