: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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