I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
