I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
