we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
