I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We need to rekindle our bromance
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.