what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
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Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in