OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
