I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
