I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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