even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
