Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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