Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
