guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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