i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
