its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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