I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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