Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
