My hand turned me down
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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