This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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