one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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