he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
