my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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