Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
