the condom got lost in my hair
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
