i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
