He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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