I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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