Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
