the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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