Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
