Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Randomize
