I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
