I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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