I cannot find my penis.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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