when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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