We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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