I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
