The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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