Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
