Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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