I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
