3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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