also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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