So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
did you just send me my own nude
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
