Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
